“Synthetic blood products contain varied cellular content than actual blood. Please consult a Tru Blood Cellular Specialist for specific nutritional information”

There is a new drink that is marketed as a “synthetic blood beverage.” This is fascinating: we buy water in bottles now, why not “blood”? It isn’t blood, though, its a blood beverage. (Actually water is a blood beverage too. In fact, technically, all beverages might be able to be called “blood beverages” in that they are metabolized and contain fluid, but I don’t want to spoil the party yet.) 

Anyway, the website for this stuff reveals vampire/vampyre type of sales pitch where the site asks you when you “turned” before letting you log in. 

The product is divided into 4 different “types” of  ”blood” — and visitors take a “quiz” to find out their “Type” which is divided into O, A, B, AB–the same as blood types, minus the positive and negative.

The quiz asks such riveting questions as “How often do you get the urge?” (for what?) and “What is your type?” with pictures of men and women in silhouette. At the end of the quiz it tells the participant what “Type” they are and what “types” they are compatible with. (Don’t vampires like all types of blood? Do they discriminate? Do they have favorites?)

For example, the AB type is “The Cerebral Architect,” who apparently prefers to mingle with “all the other types” while drinking a “synthetic blood nourishment beverage” that “boasts a succinct combination of sophistication and judiciousness.” However, the B type is “The Cheerful Go Getter,” who is “most affable” with type A’s and drinks a beverage containing flavors that are “painstakingly imagined inducing an overall calmness.”  Let me get this straight: a type A (vampire) is a “Cheerful Go Getter” that needs to have calmness induced. Perhaps they are–if they haven’t had blood in awhile and they are on the prowl that would certainly kick in the “Go Getter” in any vampire.

But wait! There’s more! They sell underpants!  (They are sold out now, as are the “onsie” for babies. Seriously.) But you can still find the Tru Blood Coffee Mug. (A coffee mug? For vampires to use whilst drinking their “synthetic blood beverage”?) Some people do think that coffee runs in their veins so it could be spun that way, but it still seems well, sort of…silly.

I think this is branding gone very very very wrong. Its also worth noting that the website never tells you what is in this drink–they just refer to it as a “synthetic blood beverage.”

Trend: Besides the HBO show, there are probably there are some vampire/vampyre movies coming to the big screen near you–including Twilight, the adaptation of the popular young adult book. Be wary, those vampires may need “calmness induced.” Let’s hope they are wearing their underpants.

So, whilst (hey, whilst!) we were all minding our own, the young persons of today ressurrected that old favorite word of the grandparents (their great grandparents) “shenanigans.”

Its in “Juno,” its in advertising, its in the mouths of salespeople at the mall. 

Everyone is gettin’ into shenanigans.